The Wonders Of Our Lives
by SnixRivera
Summary: "Please wake up, Britt." I begged as I brushed a tear from her cheek that had fallen from my face. "I promise I'll change."
1. Chapter 1

_Hello,_

_I'm excited to be posting this new fanfic. I had some nice ideas for a Santana/Brittany fanfic, but I wasn't sure which one to pick so then I thought: why not mix them together? _

_I hope you will enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing about the two of them. I can say that this fanfic will be slightly angsty, but I hope you guys can appreciate it. _

_Please feel free to leave me a review to let me know what you think of this start._

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><p><span>The Wonders Of Our Lives<span>

**Chapter 1**

I heard a small knock on my door as I lay on my bed staring at the pale ceiling. "Mija, open the door. I need to talk to you." My mother's voice sounded from the other side of my locked bedroom door.

I continued staring at the ceiling, hoping my mother would just leave me alone if I didn't answer her.

After a moment of silence I heard another voice in the hallway. The deeper voice belonged to my father. He sharply whispered something to my mother, his voice sounding angry. Words that I couldn't decipher. I heard my mother's calm voice assuring him, sending him back downstairs. He grumbled something before I heard his footsteps on the staircase. I followed his steps in my head until they were too far away for me to hear.

I knew my mother was still on the other side of the door, eventhough she didn't make a sound for what seemed like at least ten minutes. I let out a brief sigh before I pulled myself up from the bed and made my way over to the door. When I had unlocked it, I walked back to my bed, sitting down on the edge.

My mother calmly opened the door when she heard it unlock and sat down next to me in silence. She brushed her hands over her plain, dark skirt to straighten it. She cleared her throat but she didn't say anything.

I folded my hands in my lap as I let my eyes wander through my dark room. The usual neat room now looked messy. It wasn't a surprise. I had been practically living in my room ever since...

I swallowed my thoughts just as quickly as they came to mind. It was something that I had learned to do over the past couple of weeks. Thinking about it – about _her_ hurt too much.

I could feel my mother's eyes on me. I knew she was worried about me. I didn't want her to worry. I was trying very hard to hide my feelings from the people around me, but I couldn't pretend to be happy. I couldn't sit down and eat dinner with my parents pretending there was nothing wrong. I was doing a good job hiding my pain away. Hiding it in my room, that is.

I felt exposed sitting on my bed with my mother. This room had so many memories. Memories about her. Memories that brought all of my feelings with them. But that was it – they were only memories now. Memories that would eventually fade away.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I felt the familiar sting forming in my eyes. No. I couldn't cry anymore. I had been crying for too long. I wasn't going to break down in front of my mother.

My mother shifted in her seat, facing me. "Cariño," she started. I waited for her to continue. I thought she would try to say something to soothe me or cheer me up, but when she didn't continue, I figured she knew that no words could make me feel better at that moment.

She reached forward and placed her hand on my arm. She squeezed it gently, assuringly, and somehow it made me feel slightly better. I turned my head to look at her face, searching for more assurance. Assurance that I needed now more than ever, eventhough I knew it wouldn't change anything about the situation.

Her face was solemn. She seemed to have aged many years over the last couple of weeks. Her wrinkles were deeper and more visible, and her eyes looked tired. Ever since... Ever since a certain blonde stopped visiting the Lopez' house.

"Cariño, your father and I are worried about you." She hesitated when I looked away, my eyes tracing over a picture on my nightstand that I had looked at many times in the previous weeks. It was a picture of the two of us. Her blue eyes sparkled as she rested her head in my lap, showing her white teeth in a wide, dazzling smile. "Your school called today," she changed the subject, though not entirely, "Mr. Schuester told us he missed you in Glee this whole week."

Of course I hadn't attended the Glee meetings this week. I wouldn't be able to deal with all the looks of sympathy. I didn't think I could see that four eyed loser without ripping his head off. This was all his fault. He was lucky that he was still alive at this point. Alive...

Suddenly tears sprang into my eyes. I couldn't hold them back any longer. I couldn't wipe them away to hide them from my mother. I just sat there, unable to move any of my limbs as the tears streamed down my cheeks.

My mother swiftly took me in her arms and rocked us back and forth like she always did whenever she tried to make me feel better. "Mija, Santana." She kept on whispering in my ear with her slightly Spanish accent.

I touched the charm bracelet that resembled the friendship Brittany and I had. My body started shaking uncontrolably, and I couldn't stop myself from breaking down into huge sobs.

"I can't live without her, mamá." I cried. I cried more than I had ever cried in my life. I hadn't cried in front of my parents for a long time, but now that I did, I let all those years of frustration, hurt and sadness out.

My mother continued rocking as she caressed the back of my head, holding me against her chest while I shook.

"Why don't you go visit her–" She started, but I silenced her by swiftly leaning out of her embrace.

"I can't!" I said, louder than I intended. I didn't want to yell at my mother, but I couldn't stop myself at that point.

"Why can't you? You two used to be so close. I don't underst–" Again, I silenced her.

I hopped off the bed in frustration. My mother didn't know why I couldn't go. She didn't know how much I cared about her. How much I _loved_ her. She didn't know about my love confession. She didn't know that she meant more than just a best friend to me.

She also didn't know that she had turned her down for the boy that had caused this all.

"I just can't. It hurts too much." I said, pleading my mother to just drop this painful subject. Of course she didn't.

"Why don't you go with your friends?" Her mother asked, cocking her head to the side.

I scoffed through my tears. None of those kids were really my friends.

"What about Quinn?" Quinn wasn't my friend. She and I had been close at one point, but it had more been like a competitive friendship. We always tried to be better than the other and somehow she always seemed to win. She had been captain of the Cheerios, she slept with Puck, she dated the most popular guy in school, and everybody liked her more than they liked me. Everyone except for that one blonde girl. That girl that had won over her heart so many years ago.

"Or that boy Sam? Are you still dating him?" Her mother continued when she saw the look my face when she mentioned Quinn.

Sam. Funny story. I had only started dating him because he was with Quinn. It was another part of our competitiveness. Quinn had Sam, so I wanted to take him from her, and that's exactly what I did. I had stopped seeing him as soon as I finally admitted my feelings for _her_ though.

"Why don't you go with that nice boy Artie?" She softly said.

I whipped my head around, sending tears around my room. I could feel the anger rise up in me at the mention of his name.

"Why the _fuck_ would I go with Artie?" I spit out his name is disgustment. I was furious.

"Because he is her boyfriend. I'm sure this is just as hard as it is for him as it is for you. Maybe even harder. He loves her." She explained calmly.

I don't know what pissed me off more: her calm voice or her ignorance. She really had no idea how I felt about her. I had loved her ever since we had become friends. She meant everything to me. Artie was the person that had ruined everything. It was his fault that she didn't want to be with me. And it was his fault that she...

"You have no fucking idea how damn hard this is for me. This whole thing is his fault! He deserves to die. I want him to die!" I cried furiously. I desperately gasped for air. I felt like I was drowning in my fury and tears.

"You don't mean that. It was an accident." My mother said in that same calm voice. She stood up and pulled me into her arms. I didn't want to be held by her. I didn't want her to comfort me if she was so damn clueless about all of this. I fought her embrace. I smacked against her chest with my furious fists, but she didn't let go of me.

Finally I gave in. I stopped my struggle and let myself cry like a child against my mother's shoulder. She held me tightly and after a while, I could feel her body starting to shake against mine.

There we stood. In the middle of my messy bedroom that was filled with memories of the blonde and me together. We held eachother together in our tight embraces, her more than me.

Mourning over the girl that I loved more than life itself.

I felt a warm, strong hand on my shoulder. A hand that I knew belonged to my father. I slowly pulled my head off of my mother's shoulder and turned to face him. He had a urgent look on his face as he looked me intentionally in the eye. It made heart speed up in fear.

"Brittany's parents just called," He began softly. I could feel my heart tear when he mentioned her name. They hadn't mentioned her name all week. I had made sure that they shouldn't mention her name in my presence, but somehow this time was different. This time it was urgent.

"Brittany is awake." He finally said, a gentle smile washing over his face.

And with those three simple words, everything suddenly changed. It was as if the sun started shining again after it had been down for a full week. It was as if my heart started beating again after I heard the news of Brittany's accident.

The world started spinning again now that Brittany was awake.

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><p><em>Please leave a review and let me know what you think.<em>


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you very much for all the reviews / favorites / alerts. I really hadn't expected so much attention. I'm very happy to see that there are a lot of curious people who want to read on! _

_I'm writing chapter 5 right now, so I can promise you that in the next couple of days I will probably update quite frequently. I think I will update about one chapter very 2 or 3 days for now. I don't want to update too quickly, because I'll have exams next week so I won't be able to write, and I don't want to disappoint you guys by suddenly not updating for a while!_

_From this chapter on I will be using some medical terms every now and then. I have to admit that I'm not a doctor, and I don't know a lot about medication and such, but I tried to do my research for this story. I'm sure there are people who know more about this subject than me, and I wouldn't mind improving this story with your help. If you want to comment on any medical mistakes I'm making here, feel free to do so._

_Enough yapping, let's do this._

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><p><span>The Wonders Of Our Lives<span>

**Chapter 2**

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><p><em>Three weeks earlier<em>

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><p>After my hallway confessions to Brittany, I shut myself out from the outside world. I didn't talk to anybody, not even my parents or the kids in Glee. I simply spent my free time in my room, beating myself up over Brittany's decision to choose Artie instead of me. Before I told her I loved her, I had been almost completely sure that she would choose to be with me. I hadn't even thought of that loser when I pleaded her to tell me she loved me too.<p>

When she mentioned his name, my whole world seemed to be crumbling down. I never thought she would choose some boy over me, especially him. We had known eachother for years. We knew eachother better than we knew ourselfs. At least that's what I had thought before she chose him.

I didn't quit Glee. Part of the reason I didn't quit was because music always made me feel better. It made the pain disappear for a short amount of time. The bigger part was because of Brittany. Eventhough we shared a lot of classes together, Glee seemed to be a special place for us. We had joined together. We shared our love for music and dance in Glee. Without Glee, I know I would have never come to terms with who I really was. Every song I sang was for her.

Every line was a plea for her to come back to me. To choose me over the wheelchair kid. I could see the look on her face when I sang. The look made me doubt even more why she had chosen Artie instead of me. When she had turned me down, she had taken all the self confidence I had with her. I exposed myself to her in any way possible. She knew everything about me.

Whenever she tried to talk to me, I shot back into my defensive self. I couldn't help it. I needed to keep up the little dignity I still had in order not to fall down onto my knees and beg her to be with me.

So I kept on doing the same thing over and over again. During Glee, I tortured myself by staring at the back of her beautiful blonde hair as she sat next to the four-eyed loser. When we did a group number, I tried to sing it extra powerful, with extra emotion in the hope that she would notice. Then whenever she would try to talk to me or make eyecontact, I pretended to be mad at her. I ignored her, something I knew annoyed her more than anything.

When I came home every day after school, I locked myself in my room and cried before having dinner with my parents in silence. They sensed there was something wrong, but they didn't ask any questions. They knew it had something to do with Brittany, since she usually came over almost every other day.

That is how the days went on. Slowly, and tormentfully, but they went on.

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><p>Until that one day, two weeks later, that my whole universe seemed to be tumbling down.<p>

It was Brittany's father who called me to bring me the dreadful news. At first he didn't give much information, but I could sense from the tone of his voice that it was serious.

"Brittany has been in an accident. You need to come to the hospital, Santana."

I didn't hesitate for a second to grab my mother's carkeys and dart out the door. I drove at least twice as fast as the speedlimit told me I was allowed to drive, but at that moment I couldn't care any less. All I could think about was Brittany. I didn't know how bad it was at that moment, but the voice of Brittany's father was strangled when he talked to me. His voice was never strangled. It was usually solemn and happy.

When I reached the hospital I jumped in front of an old man who was slowly making his way over to the counter and asked on what floor Brittany S. Pierce was on. When I reached the right floor, the first thing I saw were Brittany's parents, sitting in the small waiting area on the red plastic hospital chairs.

Their heads were bowed, and I could see tears sparkling on Mrs. Pierce's cheeks. Mr. Pierce had such a pained, strangled look on his face that I knew that this was serious. I knew there was something extremely wrong.

Then I spotted him, sitting in his wheelchair against the wall. He was staring at the opposite wall with a horrified look on his face. His clothes were soaked and he had a grey blanket draped around his shoulders.

I stalked my way over Mr. and Mrs. Pierce, desperate for answers.

"How is she?" important questions first. "What happened?" I immidiately continued, not giving them a chance to answer yet, "Where is she?" And finally, the most important question, "Is she going to be okay?" I shifted my eyes between the two adults in front of me, but neither of them looked at me as Brittany's father started giving me the much needed answers.

"She is..." My heart sank when I heard his trembling voice. "She was in the pool... They had to give her CPR to get her heart to start working again, but..." No. No, no no no! No, please God. "She is in a coma now due to lack of oxygen in her brain." I let out a deep breath that I didn't even know I had been holding. A coma. She wasn't dead.

"When is she going to wake up?" I asked immediately. Of course I knew a coma was bad, but given the thought I thought she might have died, I was relieved. I couldn't imagine a life without her.

Mr. Pierce looked down at his hands and shook his head slowly, which made Mrs. Pierce whine in her cries. A whine that pierced through my heart as it started breaking again. All my hope disappeared in that second. That simple head shake.

"We don't know if she will wake up, honey." He finally said, his voice breaking.

No. No, Brittany wasn't going to die. Brittany couldn't die. Without Brittany, the world would stop spinning. I wasn't going to let Brittany die. I wouldn't let her leave me. I wouldn't give up on her.

At that moment I realized that I had been giving up on her ever since I told her how I really felt. I hadn't fought for her like I would have done with some random guy that Quinn probably liked. I had been distant and mean to Brittany ever since I told her. She thought I was angry at her... She couldn't die. She would live. She needed the best help.

"Is my father in there?" I asked. I trusted that my father would do anything he could for Brittany. He knew how much she meant to me, and eventhough my father never showed love for anyone, not even to me or my mother, I knew that he cared about Brittany like she was his own daughter.

Mr. Pierce nodded his head while rubbing his wife's shoulder, trying to comfort both his wife and himself.

I nodded knowingly. Brittany was going to be okay. She was in good hands. She wouldn't die. She couldn't die. How could my life suddenly change so quickly? What had even happened?

"What happened?" I asked. Mr. Pierce raised his head and nodded towards the shaking, soaked boy in the wheelchair.

I slowly walked over to him, but stopped when I was about five feet away. He was trying to avoid my gaze, but I was determined to get answers.

"I... I," He sputtered, looking anywhere but at my face.

"Spit it out." I urged, placing my hands on my hips. He was going to give me answers, no matter what I had to do for them. And honestly – I wouldn't mind beating him up at that point.

"We were just... goofing off in the sun nearby my pool. My wheelchair got stuck in the drain of the pool and I fell in. I went under and couldn't swim up for air because of my legs..." I sucked in a deep breath through my teeth as he continued, "She... she jumped after me and she saved me, but..." He trailed off, swallowing the lump in his throat as his glasses got misty.

"She can't swim." I said with a low voice, far more calm than I actually was. I always told Brittany to stay away from the pool in my backyard so that things like these wouldn't happen. I slowly walked over to him in small steps. When I was close, he looked up at me with fear in his eyes. Fear that was doubled because of my calm face.

Finally I threw my hand forward and hit his face. I could feel my hand tingle as my skin hit his skin, a loud smack filling the area. His glasses flew off his face, breaking on the ground. I could hear the air being beaten out of his lungs as my nails scratched his face, leaving a long, red scratch and a red mark in the shape of my hand on his cheek.

"Santana!" Mr. Pierce yelled out, but I silenced him by holding my hand up, my gaze never leaving Artie's eyes. I slowly leaned forward, my face only inches away from his.

"If she dies," I said calmly, but inside I was flaming with rage, fear and heartbreak, "I promise you I will kill you." I looked at him pointedly, letting him know that I meant every word of what I said. And I did. If she died, I wouldn't have anything to live for. It would be his fault if she died. He deserved to die. I didn't care what happened to me if she was really gone.

But she wouldn't. She wouldn't die, because she couldn't leave me.

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><p>Hours went by, and Artie got picked up by his mother, not explaining the scratch on his cheek or his broken glasses. She had already heard about the accident, and Brittany's parents promised they would inform them as soon as they got any news.<p>

Artie didn't seem eager to leave, but when I gave him a deadglare, he gratefully strolled after his mother.

A moment later my father came to talk to us in the waiting area. He wasn't surprised to see me there. Unfortunately he didn't have a lot of new information. They still didn't know when and if she was going to wake up.

"Due to the lack of oxygen to her brain, there could be brain damage. The MRI didn't show any clear damage in her brain, but if she would be to wake up, she could still suffer traumatic brain damage, which can take her speaking or walking skills away and such." He explained in his serious, doctor voice.

I shivered. There was a chance that if she would wake up, it wouldn't be the same Brittany. I swallowed. No. That stuff didn't matter. As long as she lived, I was content. She needed to live.

"If she wakes up within the next 24 hours, the chance of her recovering a hundred percent in a short amount of time is big. However, how longer it takes for her to wake up, the more likely she will suffer traumatic brain damage. And if it takes too long, the chance of her ever waking up is... minimal." He glanced at me, as I was shaking on one of the hospital chairs.

I was taking all of his words in. There was a chance she would wake up within 24 hours. She could wake up at any moment. She would wake up. She had to wake up. She couldn't die thinking that I was angry at her. She couldn't die so young. She didn't deserve to die.

"You can go in and see her now if you'd like." He said. Mr. and Mrs. Pierce immediately stood up to their feet and started following Dr. Lopez. When he realized I was frozen in my seat, he turned around to face me. "Santana? Aren't you coming?" He asked me.

I swallowed the sour taste in my mouth as I thought of what to do. I wanted to see Brittany, but not like this. I was afraid. I wanted to see her laugh, her smile, her sparkling blue eyes, her graceful movements as she walked or as she danced... It scared me to think of Brittany lying unmovingly in a hospital bed, not knowing if I would ever see her alive again.

But right now, Brittany needed me. Or I needed her. I always needed her, but at that moment I needed her more than ever. I had to see her face to know that she at least was still there. That she was still breathing. That her heart was still beating.

I finally nodded and got out of my seat, silently following the adults in nervous steps.

When we entered the room, I felt like all the air was punched out of my chest when I saw Brittany lying in the white sheeted hospital bed, tubes sticking out of her hands and one leading to her nose, giving her oxygen. Her hair somehow seemed more dull in the white room. She had circles under her eyes and her face was paler than I remembered.

Her parents were by her side almost immediately as Mrs. Pierce broke down into sobs again, tightly grasping her daughter's hand.

I felt my eyes sting, but I told myself not to break. I slowly walked over to the other side of the hospital bed and gently touched her other hand. The vibe that was usually sent through my whole body by the touch of Brittany's hand was still there, but only it felt a hundred times less strong. My heart still sped up by the touch of Brittany's soft skin. The skin that I hadn't touched ever since the truth spilled out of my mouth.

"I'll leave you three alone for a while." Her father told them. He nodded his head in a doctor-like way. A nod that seemed out of sympathy. Sympathy for the things that might happen and for the things that might not happen.

I felt my heart scatter all over the hospital floor at that moment.

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><p>We stayed silent in the room for about an hour, Mrs. Pierce muttering silent words as she kissed Brittany's fingers over and over again. I watched Brittany's face and held her hand throughout that whole hour. I listened to the beeping tones of the machine that showed her heartbeat. I searched for any change in Brittany's face. Any change that would hint that she might be waking up.<p>

Nothing changed.

Finally Mr. Pierce announced he would call Mrs. Abrams, and he walked into the hospital hallway, lit with the too bright hospital lights. I could feel Mrs. Pierce eyes on me, and after a while, she slowly let go of her daughter's hand and scraped her hoarse throat.

"I'll go get some coffee. Do you want some?" She asked me. I simply shook my head, not taking my eyes off Brittany's face.

"Santana." She said intentionally, and I finally broke my gaze away from Brittany to look at her. She had a pointed look on her face. It was as if she almost tried to give me a small, assuring smile, but couldn't quite manage it because her daughter was lying in a hospital bed in front of her, not knowing her fate.

She nodded towards the hallway, where her husband was talking to Artie's mother. "I'll make sure you have some time alone with her." She said as she stood up.

I gave her a grateful nod. She was right even before I knew she was. I wanted a moment alone with Brittany. I had so many things to tell her.

Mrs. Pierce walked out of the room, trusting me with her daughter. I swallowed once more before returning my gaze to Brittany's face, squeezing her hand a little tighter.

"Hey B," I started, my voice wavering, "It's me, San." I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing the tears not to spill out of my eyes before opening them again. "I just want you to know I'm not mad at you." My voice broke. I prayed that Brittany could hear my words. I felt the first tears spill as I continued, "I love you, B. I love you so much." I sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, "Please don't leave me. Please." I pleaded.

Her skin was pale and her hair seemed as white as snow in the neon, hospital light, but Brittany still looked beautiful. I slowly leaned down and placed a soft, tender kiss on her lips. The lips that I hadn't kissed for over three weeks. The lips I dreamed about every night. Brittany's lips tasted like... hospital. They didn't taste like Brittany.

"Please wake up, Britt." I begged as I brushed a tear from her cheek that had fallen from my face. "I promise I'll change. I'll be your friend if that's all you want to be. I'll even try to be nice to four ey–" I recovered myself, "to Artie. Please just don't leave me, B." I bit my lower lip hard, trying to keep the tears at bay, but failing miserably.

"Please don't die."

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><p>Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please leave a review, and share your thoughts!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello,_

_Thank you all for the amazing reviews! I hope you'll enjoy the next chapter!_

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><p><span>The Wonders Of Our Lives<span>

**Chapter 3**

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><p><em>Now<em>

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><p>"Brittany's parents just called," My father began softly. I could feel my heart tear when he mentioned her name. They hadn't mentioned her name all week. I had made sure that they shouldn't mention her name in my presence, but somehow this time was different. This time it was urgent.<p>

"Brittany is awake." He finally said, a gentle smile washing over his face.

And with those three simple words, everything suddenly changed. It was as if the sun started shining again after it had been down for a full week. It was as if my heart started beating again after I heard the news of Brittany's accident.

The world started spinning again now that Brittany was awake.

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><p>I sat down on the same chair I had been sitting on the week before, but this time the situation was different. Brittany was alive. She was awake. She was sitting up in her bed in the other room with her parents right now. Her piercing blue eyes were open again. I wanted so badly to barge in there and hold her tight in my arms, but something stopped me.<p>

I was scared to walk in there. I didn't know how she would react to seeing me. Ever since she chose Artie over me, she thought I had been mad at her. I didn't know what I would find. I hadn't talked to any of the doctors or her parents yet. When I heard she was awake, I immediately drove to the hospital, my tears still fresh on my cheeks.

There was a posibility that she wasn't fully herself anymore. My father had informed us that she could suffer traumatic brain injury. Maybe she wasn't able to talk anymore. Maybe I would never be able to hear that beautiful voice again. Maybe she ended up in a wheelchair. What if she could never dance again? Brittany would be devastated if she couldn't dance. Dance was how she expressed herself. It was one of the few things that made her feel... powerful.

It hurt me to think of Brittany never dancing again, but I knew I would still love her no matter what happened. I couldn't just turn it off. If I could, I would have when she blew me off. She had hurt me so much when she chose Artie over me. I thought she loved me, too. She had broken my heart...

Then the accident happened, and all the hurt she caused me vanished. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't imagine a life without her. A life without Brittany wasn't really living. It was like Brittany was my sun.

And now she was awake. And eventhough she might have not heard me, I promised her I would change. I would be her friend if that was all she wanted to be. I never broke a promise.

Mrs. Pierce snapped me out of my thoughts. "She's asking for you." She told me as she and her husband sat down next to me with content smiles on their faces. Smiles that I hadn't seen for a while. Smiles that calmed me down.

I took a deep breath before I forced myself to stand up. I slowly walked over to Brittany's room. I was nervous for all kinds of reasons. My heart was beating loudly in my chest as I pushed the door open.

The first thing I saw were Brittany's sparkling blue eyes. The eyes I seemed to be drowning in everytime I stared into them too deep. When she saw me standing in the doorway, her face seemed to light up. She sent me a dazzling smile that made my knees weaken.

She was still Brittany. It was as if nothing changed. She still had the same effect on me, but now it was at least ten times worse... or ten times better. I hadn't seen her for a week, and I hadn't had a normal conversation with her for almost three weeks. In that previous week, I hadn't known if I would ever see that smile again.

I felt myself being drawn to her. I walked over to her bedside, my eyes never leaving hers. My heart beat hard against my chest, and I knew that if I didn't stop now, I would never be able to stay away from her. I had to keep my distance. I had to keep her at armslength if I wanted to keep my promise. I would take care of her. I would be her friend. I wouldn't pressure her into being more than just friends. She was with Artie – I had to accept that. I promised...

I stopped by her bedside, making sure to keep my distance. I gave her a faint smile as I burried my hands in my pockets. The temptation to take her hand in mine was too big. Her smile faltered slightly when she noticed how distant I was, but I knew this was best for both of us. We couldn't be like we were before. We could never go back to that now that I had told her I was in love with her.

"Hey," I said quietly, still looking into her eyes.

"Hi," She said through a bright smile that made my heart skip a beat.

"Um," I stammered as I looked down at my feet. "how are you feeling?" I asked her.

"Good, all things considered." She said with a smile. A smile that seemed to be plastered on her lips permanently.

"So... Are you okay?" I asked. Nothing seemed to be wrong with her, but I had to be sure. Maybe she couldn't move her arms or legs. Maybe she had memory loss.

She shrugged. "Seems like it. I mean I feel okay. Just really exhausted like I didn't sleep for a week."

I gave her a faint smile. "Well, that's exactly what you have been doing, B."

"Yeah, it's weird." She said. "My limbs feel heavy and numb at the same time." She tried to explain, frowning through her smile.

I took a small step closer. "Do you remember what happened?" I asked with a small voice, meeting her gaze again.

She gave me a sad smile as she slowly nodded her head, looking down at her hands that rested on top of the sheets. I followed her gaze and looked at her fumbling hands. I wanted so bad to reach over and touch her soft skin, but I wouldn't. I couldn't.

"I'm sorry, San." She suddenly said with a sad voice. "It was an accident." I trailed my eyes back to her face, looking at her questionally. Was she apologizing for nearly dying? "I know you always tell me to stay away from the pool, but Artie fell in. I had to help him." The smile that had been on her face was now replaced by a sad frown.

I sighed deeply. How could she be apologizing for being such a good person? She was honestly too good for this world. A wave of guilt washed over me. She was scared that I was mad at her for saving Artie and almost leaving me. Of course I hadn't been mad. I was terrified. Terrified of losing her. I felt like I had already lost part of her when she chose Artie over me, but when I heard that she might never wake up out of her coma, everything tumbled down.

I finally pulled my hands out of my pockets and grabbed her hand. I squeezed it tightly, savoring the feeling of her soft skin.

"You're too good for this world, B." I said honestly. She had risked her life to save a cripple. She was a real heroine. I couldn't ever be mad at her for that. Of course I could be mad at Artie, and I definitely was, but I promised I would be nice to him.

She sighed deeply. "Are you mad at me?" Her voice sounded so small, it broke my heart. I knew she wasn't only talking about the accident. I knew she was talking about the way she had blown me off three weeks earlier in the busy hallways of McKinley.

I slowly shook my head as I looked at out tangled hands. "I was never mad, B. I was just hurt." I looked back at into her eyes. The eyes that I had missed so much. The eyes that I had prayed to see again every day for the past week. "I missed you, B." I swallowed. "I was scared that you wouldn't wake up again." I bit my lip to stop it from trembling.

She squeezed my hand tightly. "I'm so sorry, San. I missed you so much." She tried to pull me closer, and I hesitantly gave in. I sat down on the edge of the bed facing her, as she caressed the back of my hand gently and soothingly. "I'll never leave you." She said softly. Her voice was reassuringly and strong.

Her words warmed my body. They lifted a weight off my shoulders. I had been so afraid that I would lose her forever, but with these simple words, all my fears disappeared for that moment. Her promise created a faint smile on my lips as I looked into her trustful eyes.

At that exact moment, the door opened and Artie slowly strolled in. When he saw me, he hesitated for a moment, but when he saw Brittany's dazzling smile, he strolled over to the other side of her bed.

"Artie!" She said enthusiasticly. I froze and dropped her hand. She was clearly happy to see him. He was the reason she nearly died, but still she was happy to see him. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different. She loved him.

When I let go of her hand, her head snapped back to me. She frowned at me with a pout, her smile falling from her face.

I hesitated for a moment and considered taking her hand back in mine, but when Artie took her other hand, and caught her attention, I started backing away towards the door. I couldn't watch them interact with eachother. I couldn't see that loser that almost killed her holding her hand.

When I opened the door, Brittany caught my attention again. "Hey, where are you going?" She asked quickly. I turned around to face her. I shifted my eyes between Artie and her. Right, I promised I would change. I promised I would be nice to Artie.

I forced a smile on my face as I answered, "Just going to get some coffee. I'll be in the hallway with your mom and dad if you need me."

She seemed to be content with that answer, because she nodded with a smile playing on her lips.

I shot Artie one last glare before leaving the room, leaving the girl I loved alone with the person I hated most on this earth. The person that had caused all of this.

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><p>I was solemnly sipping my coffee next to Brittany's parents when we were disrupted by an aweful scream.<p>

Eventhough I had never heard such a sound before, I knew who it belonged to. The scream pierced through my heart, breaking it into a million little pieces that scattered all over the hospital floor.

Everything seemed to be going in slowmotion at that moment. My hands growing numb, my cup falling to the ground, sending coffee all over the floor, doctors already entering Brittany's room before I could even get to my feet. My father was one of them.

I shot to my feet as fast as I could, as I screamed her name. My own strangled voice scared me. I ran towards her room, but before I could enter – before I could see her, two strong arms held me back. My father was holding me back, keeping me from entering the room. I struggled in his grip. I used all of my power to break free of his embrace, but he held on tightly.

"Brittany!"

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><p>Sorry for the cliffhanger. Just thought that was the best way to stop this chapter!<p>

I would really love seeing some more reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey guys,_

_Sorry for the major cliffhanger! I suppose I kind of like cliffhangers as an author. Does that make me evil? It surprised me how many reviews I got. Also how many mad reviews I got telling me I was mean for ending a chapter like that. Muwhaha. Don't worry though. This chapter starts right where the previous one ended._

_Also, I'm sorry it took a day longer for me to update. I actually already updated this chapter yesterday, but apparently the site was having some trouble. I hope you'll all be able to read this chapter now.  
><em>

_Enjoy!_

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><p><span>The Wonders Of Our Lives<span>

**Chapter 4**

"Brittany!" I screamed. My father held me back, wrapping me tightly in his grip.

"Santana, calm down." He commanded, but I didn't listen. I was too distracted by Brittany's cries coming from the other room. What the fuck was going on?

"She needs me!" I pleaded him to let me go, but he only held me extra tightly.

"No mija, she needs me. You need to calm down or I can't help her." He said calmly.

He was right. I knew he was right. I trusted my father enough to know that he would do anything to help her. She needed him to help her. I didn't know what the hell was happening, but she promised me she wouldn't leave me. She promised...

At that moment Artie came strolling out of the room with a shocked, terrified look on his face. His whole upper body was shaking as he looked into the room over his shoulder.

I stopped struggling and my father finally released me, squeezing my arm once more before walking into the room in a fast pace. I stood in silence, watching the now closed door of her room. Finally Brittany's cries died down, and I felt slightly better. I could move again.

I whipped around, facing the shaken boy in the wheelchair. He was numbly staring at Brittany's room with wide eyes, his mouth slightly hanging open in fright.

I shot forward, pointing my finger at him angrily. "What the fuck did you do?" I screamed accusingly. I knew I promised I would be nice to him, but I was sure Brittany could understand if this was all his fault, and I was sure that it was.

"I didn't do anything, I swear! We were just talking and then suddenly she... she just started screaming." He said. The fear was clearly audible in his voice.

"You did something! This is all your fault! What did you say to her?" I demanded. If he said something to upset Brittany, I would be more than happy to push him off the stairs.

"No, I just – We were just talking about..." He swallowed nervously.

"About what, Rolltroll?" I demanded, leaning forward intimidatingly.

"We were just talking." He shook his head dismissively. "I asked her how she was doing. She said she felt good, and then you," He looked up at me, his eyebrows knitting together, "then you got mentioned, and she just... She suddenly crumpled up in fear and started screaming." He shuddered, shaking again in his chair as he relived the previous minutes.

I was taken aback. My name was mentioned and she started screaming? Had that piercing cry been my fault? Why... Why would she be afraid? Was she scared of me? I felt my heart break all over again.

I swallowed as I gazed at Brittany's parents who had been following our conversation. The looks on their faces terrified me. They looked... almost accusingly. This wasn't my fault, was it?

"Wh– what did you say about me?" I asked, my voice wavering in sudden fear.

Artie crossed his arms in front of him. "I may have mentioned your little outburst of last week." He said.

Oh no. Last week I told him I'd kill him if she died. I threatened him. Of course that had upset Brittany! Why was he so stupid to mention that to her? How did he expect her to react? Sure, this reaction wasn't expected, but why would he say that to her? He was clearly asking to be killed. Didn't he know that this would obviously hurt Brittany? Didn't he know that I would do anything to keep her from hurting?

And that's exactly why I wasn't going to hurt him. Brittany loved him.

I sighed deeply and walked over to one of the plastic hospital chairs in the waiting area. I sank down in the chair and burried my face in my hands. I felt defeated. I felt powerless. I couldn't do anything at this point to help Brittany. This was my fault. Her cries were my fault. I was happy my father stopped me from entering the room before. If she had seen me, she would have even been more terrified. What if she thought I really wanted to kill Artie, her boyfriend? She knew I loved her, and she knew I despited Artie, but did she really believe I was capable of killing him? Of killing anyone?

I talked a good game about being from Lima Heights adjacent and all that, but I knew I would never be capable of killing someone, not even Artie. Not even if she would have died. Sure, I would have probably beaten him up and maybe threatened him with some razorblades I told everyone I hid in my hair, but I would never be able to kill him. If she had died, I would have mentally died with her. And then maybe...

No, stop. She didn't die, and she wouldn't die. She promised she wouldn't leave me, and I trusted her. My father was with her right now, helping her. I just had to be patient and wait. Wait until I could explain myself to her. She knew me. She should know that I wasn't capable of killing anyone. That was just ridiculous. Had that really been the reason of her sudden outburst?

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><p>I was relieved when my father walked over to us and explained what had happened with his calm voice. His deep voice had that special calming power, that only few people had. He always used it in situations like these, to calm down his patients' friends and families.<p>

"She had a panic attack." He started, "It's not uncommon in this situation. It seems like she suffers from some traumatic brain injury." My heart sank. Brittany wasn't okay. I couldn't imagine how scared Brittany must have been when she had the panic attack. Her cries still ringed in my ears as my father further explained what a panic attack meant.

He told Brittany's parents that this trauma had created a panic disorder. Panic attacks were unexpected, but could easily be treated with the right medication. My father suggested Propranolol, a medicine that would slow the heartrate down to an acceptable level. It prevented hypertension, anxiety and panic. He told her parents that if she didn't respond to the medication well enough, they would try another medicine.

"It isn't clear for how long she will be needing the medication, but there is a chance that this disorder will remain all her life." I burried my face in my hands again. This couldn't be true. The usually so happy Brittany couldn't suffer from a panic disorder. She had gotten a panic attack when Artie had told her I threatened him. Was she afraid of me? Did I cause her panic attacks?

It broke me to think that I was the cause of Brittany's fear. I couldn't have her being afraid of me. I felt a familiar sting in my eyes. I pressed my palms against them to stop the tears. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder. My father squeezed me lightly. He wasn't a man to talk about feelings, and neither was I, but even without words, he could always make me feel better.

Minutes passed, and while Brittany's father left to pick Brittany's little sister, Jayme Lynn, up from her grandparent's house and put her to bed, Brittany's mother went into her room where she was sleeping – on medication that had calmed her down. Medication that she might be needed for the rest of her life.

Artie went home – it was getting late, and he had school tomorrow – with his mother, who picked him up. I didn't care about school. I didn't care what time it was. All I cared about was Brittany. If I was really the cause of her panic attack, I knew I had to stay away from her, but I didn't know if I could do that.

So I simply sat there in the waiting area of the hospital with my face burried in my hands and my father's hand resting on my shoulder. I didn't know how long we sat there, but eventually my father's hospital beeper caused him to stand up and remove his hand from my shoulder.

"Todo va a estar bien, mija." He reassured me before he stalked away, looking at his beeper.

_Everything is going to be okay._

His words ringed through my head. I wanted them to make me feel better, but I couldn't keep my mind off of the terrifying scream that had escaped Brittany's room before. I kept replaying it over and over again in my head, beating myself up over the cause of the scream.

"Santana," Mrs. Pierce said with a soft, warm voice. I finally raised my head out of my hands. The bright hospital light hurt my eyes. "She's awake. She wants to talk to you." She told me with a small smile. Her face was trusting. The fact that she trusted me with her daughter, warmed up my whole body, but also made me shake with fear.

I stood up and made my way over to her room, my hands fumbling as I held them in front of me. Mrs. Pierce glanced at her daughter one last time before sending me a sad smile and moving away from the door, giving me access. Her face was mixed with relief, worry, happiness and sadness. Everything that described Brittany's current situation.

I walked in, looking at the ground as I heard Mrs. Pierce close the door behind me. I didn't meet Brittany's gaze as I remained standing in front of the now closed door.

"C'mere," She finally said with a soft, warm voice. I had my head bowed down as I stared at the ground, but her voice caught my attention. I hadn't expected it to be warm. I thought maybe she would be scared or accusing, but it was neither of those things. Sad maybe, but not scared. Maybe it was the medication.

"San?" She asked when I didn't move. I hesitated, but finally walked over to her bedside, still looking down at the white hospital floor.

Before I could stop her, she took my hand in hers. I let out a small gasp at her touch, but I didn't pull away. I couldn't make myself pull my hand away.

I swallowed, "Was your panic attack because of what I said to Artie last week?" I had to know. I was afraid to hear the answer, but I had to know.

"Yes," She whispered quietly before clearing her throat and repeating it, a bit louder this time.

I nodded knowingly as my last hope washed out of my body.

"Come lie with me." She said suddenly. I finally let my eyes trail to her face. It looked solemn and almost apologetic. I gave her a confused look as she scooted over, making space for me to lie down.

I slowly shook my head. Lying down next to her would be less than inappropriate. First of all I was in love with her. Second of all I was the cause of her panic attack. Lying down with her wouldn't be right for the both of us.

She sighed and pulled me closer to her by my hand. "Come lie down with me." She repeated when I tried to pull my hand back. Either she suddenly had super strength, or I wasn't fighting her very hard – I guess it was the last one more than the first – but I suddenly found myself lying next to her on the small hospital bed.

She turned me around on my side and pulled me into her so that I was resting my face against her shoulder. I couldn't stop myself from inhaling deeply. I smelled her sweet scent mixed with the faint smell of hospital, but she still smelled like Brittany. She still made my heart explode in my chest.

The sensation of her fingers brushing through my hair on the back of my head sent shivers all down my spine. I knew this was wrong. I knew this would only make it hurt so much more when she let go of me again to be with Artie.

"That panic attack..." She whispered with a both strangled and calm voice, "it was so scary, San." I swallowed as my guilt started rising in my throat.

I opened my mouth to apologize for terrifying her, but when I heard the '_I'm sorry._' I was surprised to know that the words didn't come from me. It was Brittany who was apologizing. Apologizing for what? I should be the one apologizing here, right?

"I'm so sorry, San." She repeated as she continued caressing my hair.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, suddenly feeling all my muscles tense in fear.

The way she was apologizing was different from her usual apologies. I knew this apology wasn't because of what she had done to me those three weeks ago at our lockers. She was apologizing for something that she hadn't done yet. Something that she would have to do in the future. The near future.

I knew her well enough to know what she was about to say. I could read her body language. I could read from the way she was apologizing, the way she was holding me, and the way she was gently caressing my hair, what she was going to do.

The panic attack had been my fault. I caused her pain and fear. The panic attack had been terrifying, and she didn't want to go through it again.

Brittany wasn't one to break her promises, but she knew that this would be best for the both of us. She was already apologizing because she knew that this was going to hurt me.

She was leaving me.

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><p><em>I hope the end wasn't too confusing. If you don't quite understand what happened, I'm trying to make it a bit more clear in the next chapter. (I hope any of this makes sense, it's late, I've been studying all day)<em>

_Anyway, I love angst. Thanks for reading, guys! Remember, happy authors update more frequently! Thanks so much again for all your reviews on my previous chapter._


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you very much for all the reviews/favorites/alerts. The amount of reviews I receive on this fanfiction still surprises me every chapter. I am very grateful to have such lovely readers as you._

_Enjoy!_

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><p><span>The Wonders Of Our Lives<span>

**Chapter 5**

She was leaving me.

"No, B. You promised." I suddenly felt my eyes sting with tears again. "You promised you would never leave me." I gasped for air.

"San, I know." She started, "I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm so sorry I'm causing you all this pain. Don't you think it would be better if we didn't see eachother for a while?"

"We didn't see eachother for over a week." I stated. I didn't want to let her go now that I had her in my arms.

"I know, but... maybe it's better for the both of us to stay away from eachother for a little while longer." I knew exactly what she meant by that. She ment better for me because my love for her had come to the point of me threatening the life of her boyfriend, and better for her because it wasn't healthy to be around a crazy person like me in her current state.

I knew part of her was right, but I didn't want her to be. I felt like I had just gotten her back now that I was holding her safely in my arms. The way she held me was so lovingly. It made my heart crumple to think that I would have to stay away from her. I just wanted to stay with her.

"But I don't want to stay away from you." I whispered against her chest with a small voice.

"I don't want to stay away from you either, San, but my parents said maybe just for a little while." She told me soothingly.

I tensed in her arms. "Wait, your parents?" I pulled myself up so that I could see her face, which was unreadable for me at that moment. "Did your parents say you couldn't see me anymore?" I asked, my voice suddenly sounding desperate. Brittany's parents had always been so kind and open. I felt betrayed to know that this was their idea. I guess I couldn't blame them. They knew the panic attack was my fault and they had been there when I threatened Artie's life.

"San... I agree with them." I could feel my eyes starting to sting with betrayal and hurt. "Just for a while. Until I'm ready to go back to school again." I bent my head down so that she couldn't see my glinstering eyes, but she cupped my cheek and pulled my head up, piercing into my eyes with her strong, blue ones. "I think it's the best for both of us."

I knew I couldn't argue with her. Not only because I eventually always gave in to her, but also because she seemed so sure that this was the right thing to do. I trusted her.

"I promised I would never leave you, and I'll keep that promise, San. It's just for a couple of weeks maybe. I won't leave you." She reassured me. I took several deep breaths before I slowly nodded. A couple of weeks without her seemed impossible for me at that moment, but her promise soothed me. She wouldn't leave me.

She gave me a warm smile as she slowly leaned forward to place a tender, soft kiss on my cheek. I felt my cheek tingle at her touch. I could feel the heath of my body rise to my flushing face. I savored the moment of her gentle lips against my cheek. I closed my eyes and once more inhaled her scent before slowly opening them.

She was looking at me with a sad smile playing on her lips. She sighed deeply before lying down again, resting her head on the pillow. She pulled me down with her, her arms wrapped around my waist so that I couldn't escape. Not that I wanted to. I wanted to stay here in her arms forever. I rested my head on her chest and closed my eyes.

I could feel her heart slowly pound against my ear in the same pace of the bleeping tones of the heartrate machine standing next to her bed. Her slow heartbeat slowed mine down aswell. It calmed me. After a while of silence I noticed that her breathing got slower and more even, indicating that she had fallen asleep.

I don't know how long we stayed like that, but eventually there was a small knock on the door and Brittany's mother walked in. When she spotted the two of us, she paused for a moment before tip-toeing to her bedside. I looked at her with a sad smile. I knew it was time for me to leave.

She didn't say anything, but just looked at me with an apologetic look on her face. I simply nodded sadly as I unwrapped Brittany's arms from around my waist and gently climbed out of the bed, making sure not to wake Brittany while doing so.

I readjusted the sheets, tucking them under her chin to make sure she was warm enough. She stirred with a frown on her forehead. I leaned down with a sad smile and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead to soothe it out. When I pulled back, a small content smile played on her lips.

I smiled at the sight of the sleeping girl in front of me. The girl I loved so much. The girl that I had almost lost forever. The girl that I had to say goodbye to now.

"Goodbye, Britt." I whispered as I affectionately caressed her cheek with the back of my fingers. I knew this goodbye wasn't forever, but it was still so hard to leave her.

This was best for both of them. This wasn't goodbye. They would see eachother again soon.

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><p>A week passed, and every day I asked my father how Brittany was doing. She was making a lot of progress. Her muscles had weakened in the week she was in a coma, but because she was a dancer, and her muscles were flexible and strong, her recovery didn't take very long. She was already walking with a cane after a week and a half.<p>

She went home short after that, but she wasn't ready to go to school yet. First she would have to be able to walk without a cane again. She still had a lot to work on mentally aswell. School could cause a lot of stress, and at this moment she didn't need any more stress in her life. Stress caused her panic attacks, and eventhough she was taking medication to prevent them, there was a chance that if she went back to school when she wasn't completely ready yet, that she'll get more panic attacks.

"Will she ever dance again?" I asked, feeling slightly nauseous by the thought that she possibly wouldn't recover a hundred percent.

My father simply smiled, "We're talking about Brittany here, mija. Dancing is a huge part of her life. Do you think she'll ever give up on that?"

I smiled brightly. He was right. Brittany wouldn't ever give up on dancing. It was too important to her. I was proud of her for being so strong.

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><p>School was lonely for me ever since Brittany had blown me off in the hallway. I wasn't on the Cheerios anymore, and I didn't really have any friends anymore.<p>

When Kurt came back to McKinley, strangely enough I found myself sitting next to him in classes and during Glee a lot. We had somewhat bonded over Brittany's accident. Brittany was his friend, and he knew what it was like to lose someone so important to you in life. We didn't talk a lot, but somehow just spending time with him made me feel better.

He didn't say anything, but I think he suspected that I was in love with Brittany. He could easily see the change of demeanor ever since Brittany had blown me off. Everyone could see that Brittany and I had had a fight, since in those two weeks before her accident we hadn't talked, but I think Kurt looked deeper. Maybe it was because he was gay himself, or maybe it was because he just looked beneath the surface.

Our friendship – if that's what you could call it – was strange. We never really talked about anything. We simply sat next to eachother in classes and enjoyed eachother's company. I don't think anyone would have ever expected us to become friends, including myself, but I found it strangely comforting. Maybe he sat next to me because he felt save with me. He had been bullied before he left McKinley after all, and I was in fact still known as the meanest bitch of the school.

Before, I might have been anxious to be seen with Kurt. Not only because his gaydar might sense that I was a lesbian. In fact, that didn't seem to bother me at all. Somehow I felt relieved to think that he knew about my secret and still seemed to accept me and want to spend time with me. I wasn't worried much about the rest of the losers at this school about finding out my secret. I wasn't planning on telling anyone, and I knew that Kurt knew, eventhough we were sort of friends now, that if he told anyone, I would still beat him up.

It was comforting not having to hide this secret to at least one other person. A person that was gay himself. A person that wouldn't judge me. I felt that Kurt was the only person I could relax with. With him, I didn't have to keep up my defensive walls. In those moments he sat next to me, I could be myself.

So our friendship remained.

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><p>Artie talked about Brittany in Glee club every time. Eventhough it made me extremely jealous, knowing that he still got to spend time with her and I didn't, I still listened to everything he had to say. I wanted to hear how Brittany was doing. When he announced that she would be coming back to school the next week, I was both estatic and nervous.<p>

I hadn't seen her for almost four weeks, and I didn't know how to act around her when she came back. Should I act as if nothing had happened between us? Should I be her friend? Should I keep my distance? What if I caused her another panic attack?

I lay awake in my bed that Friday night. I couldn't sleep because of my nerves. I tried to calm myself by just thinking happy thoughts about the two of us. We would finally see eachother again after such a long time. I smiled at the thought, but it soon turned into a frown when I thought of how hard it would be. She was still with Artie. I was still in love with her. Maybe we would be going back to the way it was after Brittany had blown me off. I didn't want that. I knew it would hurt to see them together just as much as it had before. Maybe it would hurt even more knowing that this was all his fault. Her accident was his fault.

Suddenly my phone vibrated on my nightstand, making my heart speed up. I clutched my heart at the sudden sound and shot up in my bed, quickly grabbing my phone to stop the loud vibrating. When I saw the familiar name flash through my screen with a picture of a brightly smiling blonde hugging her eight-year-old sister, I quickly answered.

"B?" Why was she calling me, and why in the middle of the night?

"S– San," She breathed heavily into the phone. Her breaths were short and rapid, and her terrified voice pierced right through my heart.

She was having a panic attack.

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><p><em>Well, there's another cliffhanger! Don't kill me please! I promise the next chapter won't be ending with a cliffhanger. <em>

_Thank you very much for reading again. Please leave a review! I would really appreciate it if you did._


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you for the (kind) reviews! I'm glad none of you killed me for yet another cliffhanger. This chapter takes on right where the last one left, and I promise; no cliffhanger this time! Loads of Santana and Brittany!_

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><p><span>The Wonders Of Our Lives<span>

**Chapter 6**

Suddenly my phone vibrated on my nightstand, making my heart speed up. I clutched my heart at the sudden sound and shot up in my bed, quickly grabbing my phone to stop the loud vibrating. When I saw the familiar name flash through my screen with a picture of a brightly smiling blonde hugging her eight-year-old sister, I quickly answered.

"B?" Why was she calling me, and why in the middle of the night?

"S– San," She breathed heavily into the phone. Her breaths were short and rapid, and her terrified voice pierced right through my heart.

She was having a panic attack.

"Britt? Calm down, where are your pills?" I tried to speak calmly to her, but I could hear my own fear in my voice as I put on my old Cheerio shoes and jacket, not bothering to change out of the tank top and pajama pants I had on as I quickly, but silently walked off the stairs, trying not to wake my parents.

I didn't care that she was suddenly calling me in the middle of the night after we hadn't spoken for four weeks. She needed me, and I was always there for her when she did. No matter what was happening. It was unfair really. She made me seem so weak.

Brittany didn't answer but just continued breathing into the phone in quick, choking breaths. I could tell that she was crying through her panic.

"Britt, don't worry okay? I'm coming over. I'm stepping in the car right now." I started the engine and drove off the driveway, speeding up towards Brittany's house with my phone still pressing against my ear. I had no idea what to do. How could I help her? I wanted to take her fear away, but I didn't know how.

How did you stop a panic attack? How could I calm her down? I just started rambling some incoherent things that had happened in Glee club that afternoon trying to distract her from her thoughts. It seemed to help a bit, because her breaths got slightly more even.

"San," She breathed, her panic suddenly coming back again, "I don't have any pills left." She cried.

"Don't worry, B. I'm almost there. You don't need the pills to get through this." Damn, maybe I should have woken my father and asked him what to do. I didn't know how to calm her down. The fact that her previous panic attack had been my fault didn't help either.

"It'll pass, Britt. Just breathe. I'm driving up your driveway right now." I told her. I parked my car on the empty driveway – her parents' car was gone – and walked up her lawn. I fetched the housekey from under the doormat, where it had always been ever since they had become friends so many years ago.

The house was dark and silent. I closed the door behind me and walked up the creaking staircase.

"Brittany?" I asked as I reached her bedroom door. My phone was still pressed against my ear, but when I heard Brittany's weak voice call my name, I didn't hear it through the phone. I ended the call and opened her door.

I wasn't prepared for what I saw. She was rocking back and forth on her bed, hugging her own knees. I could see her eyes glinster in the dark as she looked up at me. She looked terrified. I hadn't seen her for almost four weeks, but she looked different. Skinnier.

I recalled my father explaining that a coma could take your appetite away. It could change your personality, or change your taste. You could become angry more easily, and be disoriented. You could panic more easily... Like Brittany.

Seeing her like that terrified me. I hadn't thought she could change so much in barely four weeks. Her skin seemed pale, especially in the dark, and as I walked closer I could see dark circles under her eyes. Her cheekbones were visible through her skin. She didn't look healthy.

Her chest heaved up and down as small gasps escaped her mouth. I quickly made my way over to her and wrapped her into my embrace. She immediately leaned in to me, and rested her face against my colarbone. She was shaking as she gasped for air.

I rocked her back and forth in my arms, "Shh, Britt. Just breathe, it'll pass. You're gonna be okay, I promise." I soothed her. She clutched my tank top in her hands, holding me tightly. I caressed the back of her head as I whispered soothing words in her ear.

"Please don't leave me, San." She begged with a strangled voice.

It broke my heart all over again. I knew I wouldn't ever leave her. I couldn't leave her. In the past couple of weeks I felt like we had started growing apart. I felt like part of her had left me when she chose Artie. I was so afraid that she would leave me forever when she had her accident. And then, when she woke up, she left me again.

It wasn't fair of her to beg me not to leave her. She was with Artie, and she had asked me to leave her when she was still in the hospital. We hadn't seen eachother for nearly four weeks, and now she was suddenly calling me in panic asking me not to leave her.

It wasn't fair, but I knew that all didn't matter. She didn't even have to ask me. I knew I would never leave her. I loved her too much. Her words gave me hope. Hope that maybe, someday she would choose me over Artie. That maybe she would be with me. That she would love me the way I loved her.

"I'm not going anywhere." I whispered as I pressed my lips against her crown.

"I'm so sorry." She started crying again, breaking into huge sobs as she kept repeating those three words.

"Sorry for what?" I asked her.

"I had a nightmare." She cried as she burried her face in the crook of my neck. "I– I died, San."

I swallowed as I held her closer. I remembered all the nights I had nightmares of her dying when she was in a coma. "It was only a dream, B. You're okay. You're safe." I gently brushed her hair out of her face.

She shook her head against my neck as she leaned back out of my embrace. Her eyes were swollen and urgent. "No, San, it's not okay!" She swallowed through her sobs. "I'm so sorry."

"Calm down," I said as I brushed her tears off her cheek. "What are you talking about?"

"I blew you off, then I didn't talk to you for two weeks, then I scared the hell out of you. Scared you so much that you told Artie you'd kill him." She breathed in sharply through her teeth, her eyes swifting between mine. Was she apologizing for nearly dying?

"Brittany..." I began. I didn't know how to calm her down. "I never actually meant that I would kill him." I said softly. Eventhough I knew that was exactly what I had meant at that moment, I knew I wouldn't ever be mentally able to kill someone.

"I know, San, but I hurt you so much. If I had died–"

"You didn't die." I cut her off. I didn't want to think about the things that would've happened if she had died. Just thinking about it made my heart ache. "Besides, what happened to you wasn't your fault." It was Artie's. "It was an accident."

"But what if I had died? I hurt you so much, San. I broke your heart..." I swallowed nervously. "If I had died without saying how I really feel..."

My heart was beating so loud in my chest that I was sure she could hear it. I waited for her to continue while holding my breath.

"When I had that panic attack in the hospital it wasn't because I was afraid you were going to kill Artie. It was because I felt so guilty for knowing that you were so scared of losing me that you had to threaten him." I stared at her blankly.

Wait, what? All this time I had thought that I caused her panic attack by threatening her boyfriend. Now she was telling me that it was because I was scared of losing her? She had a panic attack because she felt guilty? Did that also mean that the reason she didn't want to see me for a while wasn't because she thought I was some psycho person who threatened the life of her boyfriend, but because she was thinking about my feelings?

"I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way, San." She continued when I didn't respond.

Why did she have to be so damn nice? It made all of this so much harder. Any other person I knew wouldn't have even thought of my feelings when I threatened the life of the person they loved. It would have been so much easier if she was afraid of me. Afraid because of my threat. I didn't deserve her kindness or guilt after I threatened Artie.

"Why are you being so nice to me? I said I was going to kill Artie. You aren't even supposed to think about my feelings. He's your boyfriend." I pointed out. I felt that sprinkle of hope appear in my stomach again. It was as if she had chosen my feelings over Artie's. It warmed my whole body. It wasn't very usual that she chose me over her boyfriend...

"You know why..." She whispered, her voice sounding rough because of her panic attack. She seemed to have calmed down a bit, but her whole, fragile body was still shaking. She leaned her head back against my shoulder with a deep, shaking sigh.

"No I don't." I honestly didn't. It didn't make sense. She chose Artie over me. She loved him more than me. Did she even love me at all? Had those times we spent together even meant something to her? Was I just someone who helped her get rid of her sexual frustration when she needed it? Would she have reacted the same as me if I had gotten into an accident? If I had... died?

Then suddenly her previous words washed through my head. _"If I had died without saying how I really feel..." _What had she meant? Why hadn't she continued? Did she mean...

I moved my hands to her shoulders and pushed her back gently so that I could look into her eyes. My heart sped up again, beating uncontrollably in my chest. I searched her puffy, red eyes, but I couldn't decipher them.

"How do you really feel?" I asked slowly, using the same words she had used before. I knew she understood what I meant. I needed to know if she meant what I thought she meant. What I wished so badly she had meant.

She didn't say anything. She just looked at me intentionally. Her eyes shifted between mine, as I held on to her shoulders. It was like she was trying to tell me something with her eyes. It was like she was making a decision right then and there. She didn't look afraid. She looked like she had been waiting for this moment for forever.

Still, for me it seemed totally unexpected when she suddenly started leaning forward. She shifted closer on her knees, so that she was taller than me. My hands were still limply hanging on her shoulders as she pushed a stray of hair behind my ear. She rested her other hand in my neck as she kept on moving closer, still looking deeply into my eyes.

My breath stocked and emerged in small gasps as my eyes followed her movements. She was so close that I had to tilt my head back to look at her. Finally she bowed her head down, and I could feel the hand that was resting in my neck slightly pulling me towards her. She was so close I could feel her nose grazing against my cheek as she tilted her head to the side. I could feel her breath on my lips as her mouth hung slightly open just like my own. We were both already panting heavily before anything had even happened.

Finally she closed the last few inches inbetween our mouths and connected our lips together.

I forgot everything around me except for her. I forgot everything that happened between us in the past few weeks. All I knew was that I loved her. I knew that I loved her more than I would ever love anyone else. I felt sure that she was the one for me. The only one that could ever make me feel like this. My soulmate.

She was kissing me. After all those weeks, she was suddenly kissing me again. Eventhough in the back of my mind I knew she was still with Artie, I didn't care. At that moment, she chose me. At that moment, I was the one for her.

Finally my hands started moving again and made their way over to her hair. I tangled my fingers in her long, blonde locks as I pulled my legs up on the bed, also sitting up on my knees to reach her lips more easily. I moved my lips firmly against hers, savoring the feeling of her soft, gentle movements.

I pulled her closer into me as she took my bottom lip into her mouth and sucked gently. I let out a small whimper in pleasure. I start remembering all those nights we spent together. All those kisses we shared in our beds. I remembered the exciting feeling in my lower stomach I got that first time I had kissed her. I remembered all the feelings I felt with every touch, every word, every glance.

I slowly slid my tongue into her mouth, wanting to taste more of her. I connected my tongue with hers. We gently played with eachother's tongues as I started moving my hands down her body. I slid them down her sides, taking in the curves of her slim waist. I finally rested them on her hips, pulling her closer to me.

After a while we both had to break away to catch our breaths. We leaned our foreheads against eachother's as we stared into eachother's eyes. Her cheeks were flushed red, a color that I hadn't seen on her cheeks for a long time. I saw her lips tremble slightly before she broke into a smile, biting her lip. I felt a smile wash over my own face at the sight.

This kiss had been so different from all the other kisses we had shared, but it was still so familiar. It wasn't only different because we hadn't kissed for such a long time or because I had been so afraid of never being able to kiss her again after she had her accident. It was because this time, Brittany knew how I really felt. Brittany knew that I loved her. She knew that I wanted to be with her.

I still had many questions. I wanted to know what this kiss had meant to her. I wanted to know where I stood. I wanted to know where Artie stood. I wanted to know if this kiss meant she wanted to be with me. Would she break up with Artie? Why had she blown me off in the first place if this was how she felt?

But at that moment all those questions didn't matter. The answers would come later. At that moment I was savoring every moment I had with her, knowing that she cared about me too. I remembered the words she said to me after my confessions in the hallway weeks before.

_"Of course I love you, I do." _

And as if on command, the three little words escaped her lips once more.

"I love you."

My whole body seemed to fill with butterflies, flying wildly through my stomach. I felt my body tingle at her words. From my toes to my fingers to the tip of my nose. I felt like I had been waiting for those words ever since I first met her. I knew that from this moment on, things were going to change.

She chose me.

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><p><em>Finally a nice ending! I hope you all enjoyed it! If you did, please let me know by leaving a review. Always remember: happy authors update more frequently! Yes, I'm bribing you. <em>

_I hope I'll be able to update soon, but unfortunately I will be a bit more busy with school again soon. Aside from that, I also have my other fanfic to update. I don't want to keep you readers waiting!_


	7. Chapter 7

_Happy Easter!_

_Thanks again for all your lovely reviews. I'm glad the last chapter excited you guys! I'm sorry I wasn't able to update sooner. I've been gone most of the time, and I still have my other fanfic to maintain! I was actually going to update this chapter tomorrow, since I usually don't want to update after midnight. (It's 3am here right now), but I'm so excited for you guys to read the chapter that comes after this one, that I just couldn't stop myself._

_I hope you will enjoy this chapter! I would really love to see your opinions with a review. Gracias. :-) (- adorable Naya-smileyface)_

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><p><span>The Wonders Of Our Lives<span>

**Chapter 7**

I woke up by the early morning sun shining through her curtains, lighting up the room. I could feel Brittany's warm breath escaping her mouth evenly on my bare colarbone. Her hair was spread across my chest while her hand clutched itself to my tanktop.

I had my arm wrapped around her slender body. She was definitely skinnier than she had been the last time I held her like this. It worried me. I wanted her to be healthy.

She had woken up two more times that night, each time breathing in short, ragged breaths as she shot up in her bed. It was the same nightmare each time. The nightmare where she died. I stayed the night and calmed her down from her starting panic attacks. Each time I told her everything was going to be okay, and for once, I actually meant it.

After the kiss and her words, I felt like my world was spinning in a fast pace. I felt like I was tripping. Like she was my drug. A little voice inside my head told me not to be happy yet. I didn't have her. Artie was still her boyfriend. I had a lot of things to discuss with her. Was she going to break up with Artie so we could finally be together? Why had she even called me instead of Artie?

Before I told her I loved her at the lockers that day, I had thought about it for a long time. All my thoughts just told me I wasn't supposed to be in love with her, but eventually my heart won, and I admitted to myself that I was in fact in love with my best friend. Never once had I thought of the option that she wouldn't choose me when I told her. If I knew she would choose him, I knew I wouldn't have told her at all.

She was the one who had pushed me to dig deeper into my feelings. I did a great job at hiding my feelings away until she told me she wanted to talk to someone about our friendship. It was confusing to her, and I knew how much she hated herself when things confused her.

If she wanted me to admit the truth to myself and to her, then why didn't she want to be with me?

I wanted to ask her all these questions, but I couldn't. I was afraid that it would change everything again. At this moment, she was with me. She had chosen me. Even if it was just for now, I didn't want to ruin it by talking about Artie or the hurt she had caused me.

I didn't want to tell her how much she hurt me. I didn't want her to choose me for pitying me. I wanted her to choose me because she loved me more than Artie. I wanted her to choose me because she wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with her.

I was snatched out of my thoughts when I felt her fingers twitch against the palm of my hand. She beathed in sharply through her nose before her mouth stretched open in a yawn. Her eyelashes tickled my bare skin as her eyes fluttered open. I reached my free hand up to brush her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear affectionately.

"San," She murmurred contently as she turned her head and placed her lips on my neck. I could feel her smile against the skin as she breathed in.

"'Morning, Britt-Britt." I leaned my head down to place a lingering kiss on her soft, blonde hair. I could smell her familiar shampoo when I inhaled deeply. She turned her head up to look at me and I could see her smile warmly at me. She looked beautiful. The way the early morning sun hit her face and sparkled in her eyes. The way her skin seemed her glow the same way I remembered it always did before I told her my feelings. She finally looked happy again.

I felt my whole face light up as she looked up at me. Her intense look made me want to hide and open myself up to her at the same time. She made me feel so loved. Everytime she look at me like that she made me feel loved. I remembered her smiling at me like that after we had sex – or made love – and everytime I tried to push the feelings it gave me away. We were just having sex because we were both smoking hot and needed something more than highschool boys to please us. It didn't mean anything more than just sex.

I leaned in to softly connect her lips with mine. I missed her kisses. The way her soft, pink lips moved against mine made my heart flutter in my chest. I cupped her cheek with my left hand to pull her in closer. I pulled away when I felt her cheekbones through her skin. It didn't feel right.

"Do you want some breakfast?" I asked immediately as I had pulled away. I forced a smile on my lips when I saw her startled face. I quickly leaned in to place another quick kiss on her lips. I didn't mean to startle her.

Her lips curled up again, but then turned apologetic. She shook her head as fixed her attention on the door that suddenly opened up further with a small creak. Her cat, Lord Tubbington came wobbling inside and she immediately shot off the bed to pick him up. He seemed so heavy that for a moment I wasn't sure her fragile body could hold him.

Nontheless she picked him up easily. It didn't seem to cost a lot of effort, and I figured that I was probably overreacting.

"I can make you some eggs. You have eggs, right?" I asked, eventhough she had denied my invitation to make her breakfast.

"I'm not really hungry," She shrugged while she continued stroking the furry ball that was nestled on her lap. "You can make yourself some breakfast though."

I sighed and let myself drop on the bed next to her. I slowly reached forward to comb my fingers through Lord Tubbington's soft, thick fur. He looked at me with a deadglare before he yanked his paw forward to snatch at my fingers. I quickly pulled them back, avoiding his sharp nails. I scoffed when Brittany continued stoking him affectionately, smiling lovingly down at him.

"Stupid cat," I mumbled as I shook the hand that had almost been scratched. Brittany didn't move her gaze off her cat when she grabbed my fingers with her free hand and brought them to her lips. Eventhough her cat hadn't really touched me, she kissed my fingers affectionately, which immediately made me forget about the damn cat.

I couldn't understand why she loved that cat so much. All he did was sleep and eat. Brittany treated him like he was an actual human. Once I had smoked in her room, and when I denied it, she had blamed her cat for the smell that it had left. He seemed to hate everybody except for Brittany. He even hated Brittany's parents and sister.

Thinking of that, where were they? Why had they left her alone the night before? They knew about her situation. Didn't they know that she could have a panic attack at any moment? I hadn't seen her for four weeks though. Maybe she hadn't had another panic attack in those weeks because she had her pills. Maybe they didn't know that she ran out of pills already.

"Where are your parents and your sister?" I asked when she dropped my hand from her lips.

"Jayme had a soccer championshipgame in Kentucky. Her team is really good. They are totally going to win!" She said excitedly. Her eyes shone with pride.

Brittany was always proud of her little sister Jayme Lynn Sarah Pierce. Eventhough she was only eight years old, she was probably the best female soccer player in Lima, Ohio. Her room was full with trophies. I had no idea she even had games outside of the state now though, but that didn't explain why they left Brittany at home alone.

"They went to Kentucky and left you here alone?" I asked incredulously. That didn't seem like her parents.

She shook her head sadly, "They didn't want to leave me alone, but I told them I would stay with Artie. I eventually convinced them to go after some nagging."

The thought of her staying over at Artie's house while her parents were out of town disgusted me. I swallowed the sour taste in my mouth before I spoke, "So why aren't you at Artie's?" Did she rather sleep home alone than sleep over at Artie's house? Had something happened between them? I felt a hopeful flatter in my chest.

"He was playing a marathon of Halo. I didn't want to bother him," She explained, shrugging as if it wasn't a big deal.

He had blown a night off with her to play Halo? Who did he think he was? How could she have chosen him over me? Suddenly I felt like the second choice again. She had only called me because Artie was busy playing some super nerdy game.

The way she shrugged somehow made it seem that she tried to defend him. As if she wanted to say tell me that he was still a good boyfriend, eventhough he'd rather play a marathon of Halo than be with her.

I stood up from the bed and headed for the door. I didn't want to think about Artie or why she had chosen him over me. Artie seemed like a terrible boyfriend most of the time. Times like these. He'd treat her like she was a little girl. He probably thought she was stupid. She wasn't stupid. Her mind just worked a little different from others. If she had chosen him over me despite all of this, was I really more terrible than he was? I hated myself for being worse that him.

"Hey, where are you going?" She asked, trying to stand up, but Lord Tubbington refused to leave her lap.

I turned around to face her when I reached the door. My face softened. I needed to calm down. If I started getting mad about everything, she would never choose me. Maybe that was my problem. I was known as the queenbitch of the school after all. Not that I could help it. I tried to be nice, but some people were just waiting for me to comment on their actions. Berry for instance, or Quinn. God, Quinn. The only person I was ever really nice to was Brittany, because she was the only person where I could be myself around. She understood me. She cared about me. At least that's what I had thought.

No, she did care about me. She told me last night. She loved me.

"I'm going to make us some breakfast. You need to eat something." I forced a smile on my lips before heading out the door. It felt strange walking through her empty house. I used to come here almost every day. Now I hadn't been here for weeks. Everything was still the same, but without her parents or her sister, it seemed empty. Normally when I walked into her kitchen in the morning, her dad would sit at the table reading that day's newpaper while her mother was preparing breakfast or cleaning the kitchen. Her sister would watch cartoons in the livingroom, still in her jammies.

I opened the fridge and grabbed some butter, eggs, bacon, cheese and milk. I grabbed a frying pan and started the stove. I always used to make Brittany eggs with ham and cheese when I stayed with her. She loved it. She always liked it when I took care of her, and I always liked to do it. I always took care of her, also at school. I helped her get more popular, I prevented other people from bullying her, I helped her with her homework. I couldn't really think of anything that I didn't help her with except for dancing.

I had always taken care of her until Artie came in the picture. Suddenly she started spending more time with him, and he started taking care of her. I hated that he treated her like she was a stupid little girl. I still didn't understand why she loved him. He was a cripple. He couldn't take care of her the way I could.

But now she had kissed me again. She had told me she loved me too. Everything would change now. Right? Would she finally break up with Artie now so that we could be together? She had to. She told me she loved me. She couldn't stay with Artie anymore now.

I knew we needed to discuss this, but a part of me was so afraid that she would still choose him over me. The last time I had been sure she would choose me, but she chose him. I just didn't understand why.

I prepared our eggs while my thoughts were spinning around my head. I wanted to stop thinking about all of this. I wanted to forget about Artie. Why couldn't it just be easy between the two of us? Why couldn't I just preparing a nice breakfast for the girl I loved without that clenching feeling in the pit of my stomach, afraid that I would lose her again.

I wasn't going to lose her. I wouldn't let myself lose her. I was going to hold on to her as tightly as I could. Artie didn't care about her the way I did. He was playing a stupid videogame for fuck's sake. It wasn't fair that she had chosen him.

I dropped the eggs on one plate and grabbed two glasses. I clenched the milk carton under my arm and walked up the stairs towards her room. As I neared her door, I heard her soft voice talk. I figured she was on the phone, because she hummed in agreement. She didn't do that when she talked to one of her stuffed animals or her cat.

"Alright, bye," There was a short pause, and I walked closer to the door to push it open with my hip, "Love you, too." I stopped. I felt my heart sink in my chest. I felt my arms go limp, and before I could stop it the milk carton scattered all over the floor. The lid shot off, causing milk to fly around the corridor. I couldn't move. She couldn't have just said that. Maybe I just misunderstood. Maybe she was just talking to her parents. Yes, of course. She was just talking to her parents.

"San?" I heard her call from her room. She must have heard the milk carton falling.

"I dropped the milk." I called back, but I still stood nailed to the ground. I looked down at my feet. I watched as the milk soaked into my socks. They were drenched. I heard the door creak next to me and drew my attention back to it. She looked down at the ground with a frown.

She turned her attention back to me, shifting her eyes up my body to my eyes. I looked at her bewildered. What was wrong with me? Her frown deepened as she tilted her head to the side.

"Are you okay?" She asked as she took the empty glasses from my hand. I didn't even realize I was clenching them in my hand until she unwrapped my fingers from around them. I blinked my eyes before shaking my head. I didn't do it to answer her question, but to snap out of my daze.

"Uh, yeah," I began, looking down at my feet again, "Damn milk. You go eat while I clean this up." I handed her the plate with our eggs, before pulling off my drenched socks.

"I can help," She offered, but I held waved my hand dismissively.

"No, you go eat before it gets cold." I said as I walked towards the stairs, avoiding the milk like it was hot lava.

She nodded her head and looked down at the plate. I could see a small smile form at the corners of her lips as her frown disappeared. "Eggs with ham and cheese," She acknowlegded, "My favorite." She smiled.

I smiled back at her. I was glad the coma hadn't taken away her full appetite. Maybe she was more okay than I feared she was. I ran off the stairs as soon as she disappeared back into her bedroom and grabbed some paper towels and a cleaning cloth before darting back up the stairs to clean the white substance.

She had been talking to her parents. She must have been. But what if she had been talking to Artie? Should I really be this shocked? I knew she loved him. She had already told me she loved him. That was the reason she didn't want to be with me. I had thought that everything would change now that she told me she loved me, but of course she still loved him. It wasn't something that you could just turn off. I had no idea what was going to happen next, but I knew that this must even be harder for her.

I couldn't push her. She needed to figure this out by herself. Had I pushed her into kissing me last night? No. She was the one who called me, and she was the one who started talking about _feelings_. She had wanted me to know how she really felt. She loved me.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading, people! I'm pretty sure that you guys will like the upcoming chapter! I'm really excited, and kind of nervous to post it. It will be a very important chapter, and it will answer many questions.<em>

_Please share your thoughts by leaving me a review._


	8. Chapter 8

_Here I am again! I'm excited to be posting this chapter. I have no idea how you guys will react to it, but I hope you'll definitely enjoy it. This chapter explains a lot about a lot, so it's very important! _

_Thank you so much for your many kind reviews on the last chapter. I'm happy to see that some of you got my Jamie Lynn Spears joke. Yes, Brittany's sister is named after Britney's sister. And yes, the rating has been changed to M! I'm sorry I didn't make it an M-story right away, but I didn't know if M would be the right rating for this story. Now I'm pretty sure though._

_Wanky, your review was really the biggest compliment. Thank you so very much! Warms my heart! :)_

_Also... GLEE! _

_Alright, enough yappin'! Let's do this!_

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><p><span>The Wonders Of Our Lives<span>

**Chapter 8**

After I cleaned the milk, I quickly rinsed off my feet. I would take a longer shower later. I walked back into her room with a new carton of milk. She was lying on her stomach on the bed with her feet swaying up. She nibbled on a piece of egg and handed another small piece to Lord Tubbington.

She immediately smiled when she saw me. I couldn't stop the smile that washed over my own face as I walked over to her and sat down on the bed next to her. She offered me a piece of egg and I opened my mouth to let her slide it in. I hummed as she leaned closer to me. I turned my body and leaned back so that my shoulder was touching hers.

She turned her head and placed a quick peck on my bare shoulder before turning her attention back to the food.

I swallowed nervously, and I think she could sense it, because she reached for my hand and slipped her pinky in mine. I squeezed it gently and pulled one leg up the bed and wrapped it under my body.

I watched her eat in silence for a few minutes before she suddenly spoke. "What's wrong?" She kept her eyes on the plate as she said it. Her body seemed tense, as if she already knew what was bothering me. She probably did. I guess it was quite obvious.

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. I wanted answers. I needed to know what would happen when we went back to school. Would she stay with Artie or would she break up with him?

"Did you hear me on the phone?" She asked with a small voice. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she knew I heard the end of her conversation. She had seen the look on my face after I had dropped the milk carton.

"Just the end," I said quietly as I stared at our pinkies.

She breathed in through her nose and pushed the plate away from her. She shifted her body and faced me as she leaned on her side, propping her head up on her elbow. I could feel her eyes on me, studying my face.

"San?" She asked, eventhough she already had my full attention. I hummed, but didn't move my eyes away from our pinkies. "What would change if I broke up with Artie?" She asked quietly. My heart started racing and my eyes immediately shot up to meet hers. She looked so torn. She really didn't know what to do.

Everything would change if she broke up with Artie. We would finally be able to be together. So I told her that, but her demeanor didn't change. She dropped her eyes onto the bed and sighed deeply. She looked so sad and helpless.

"You don't have to make a decision right now," I told her, eventhough I wanted her to choose me right at that moment so badly.

She sighed, "Time isn't going to change anything. I already found that out in the last few weeks." She looked back up to me, and suddenly looked apologetic, "I love you, San. I really do, but I love him too."

My heart sank. I wasn't here to hear her repeat the words she had already told me before. I knew all too well that she loved him. If she hadn't loved him, she wouldn't have chosen him. But why? Why had she chosen him? Did she really love him more than she loved me?

"Why did you choose him?" I asked with a small voice. There. I finally said it. The question that had haunted me the last few weeks. The question that had made me feel most insecure of all.

She took a moment to respond, but then eventually she opened her mouth again. "I chose him because I know nothing would have changed if I didn't." She studied my face. I probably looked lost. Before I could really think of what she had said, she continued. "If I chose you, we would have just gone back to what we always do. _You _would do what you always do." I looked at her confused.

"You always just push your feelings away." She continued, "You would push me away when things would get hard or difficult. We would sneak around behind everyone's backs. We wouldn't be able to do what other couples do. Go out, kiss, or even hold hands in public." It all came out like a flood of words, like she had been piling them up in her body, and now the dam had finally broken.

My mouth hung slightly open, and I suddenly felt my eyes sting. She didn't want to be with me because I wasn't ready for other people to know about us? That was unfair. She couldn't force me to come out of the closet to be with her. Did she even care about me at all?

"I've loved you ever since I can remember, San. Do you have any idea how many times you've broken my heart? I knew you loved me too. I've always known, which is why it only hurt more everytime you pushed me away." She continued studying my face, "Relationships aren't supposed to be that difficult, San. It's easy when I'm with Artie."

I suddenly shot up from the bed. "I don't wanna hear about _fucking_ Artie!" I snapped. I didn't know why I was suddenly so furious. My eyes stang with fresh tears. I felt nauseous. This was too much information at once. This explained everything why she had chosen him. I was too difficult. I wasn't ready to tell other people that I was a lesbian. I build my walls up and pushed her away. At that time I didn't even know I was in love with her. I didn't know she was in love with _me_. At that time it was just sex. I didn't know about the way she had felt.

Guilt suddenly washed through my body. I had been so selfish. All this time I didn't understand why she had chosen him over me, but now it was clear. She wasn't the one who broke my heart. It wasn't her fault that we weren't together. It was mine. I had broken her heart first. So many times. Why hadn't she just said anything? She did. She wanted to talk about feelings, and again I had pushed her away. But eventually we had talked, and I finally admitted my feelings for her. And then she chose him.

Knowing that she loved me all the time that we had sex made it so much worse. I had screwed up so bad. I had pushed her away and hurt her so many times, and when I finally realized the reason why I kept pushing her away, it was too late. She found someone who treated her well. Someone who didn't hurt her feelings. She didn't want to be hurt by me anymore. It was _easy_ with him.

I whipped around to hide myself from her. I felt my eyes overflow with tears. I didn't understand why I was crying. I was angry, but I wasn't angry at her. I was angry at myself for hurting her and for ruining my chances. I loved her so much, and I wanted to be with her so bad, but I knew we couldn't be together as long as I wasn't ready to open up and stop denying my feelings for her. Sure, admitting them to both myself and her was a big step, but that was it. I admitted it, but I didn't accept it. I didn't _want_ to be a lesbian.

I quickly reached my hand up to wipe the building tears from my eyes before they could spill down my cheeks. I kept my back towards her. I could feel her eyes burning in my back, but I didn't make any move to turn around. I didn't want her to see me like this. Weak.

"You're doing it again," I heard her soft voice say. She didn't say it in an accusing way. She just pointed it out to me. "You're pushing me away, San." I could hear the bed creak behind me, and for a moment I thought she would walk up to me, but I didn't hear her footsteps.

Of course I was pushing her away. What did she want me to do? Break down in front of her because I was so mad at myself? I didn't want that, because I was sure she would try to comfort me, and that would only make things so much worse. It would only make me feel more guilty.

So I started pushing my feelings away again. I stared to build my walls up, hiding myself behind them, and made sure to keep her out. I had to get rid of my anger. I had to let out all of my feelings, but I didn't want to do that here. I knew if I stayed here, I would break down in front of her. I would tell her things I didn't mean.

She chose him. After all these weeks apart, after that kiss, and even after she had told me she loved me, she still chose him.

"I hope you and Artie have a nice life together," I said before turning around towards the door. I didn't mean for it to sound so definite, but I couldn't stop myself. The words spilled over my lips before I could stop them. It somehow sounded like a goodbye. I didn't want to say goodbye to her, ever. I was just mad at myself.

Before I could reach the door, her hand twisted around my wrist. I tried to pull away, but eventhough she didn't seem to have a lot of strength, she held me in place. I avoid her gaze and continued looking straight ahead at the door. Her other hand also wrapped itself around my wrist. She squeezed so tigth that it started to hurt.

"Santana," She pleaded with a trembling voice. I swallowed nervously, determined to keep looking straight ahead. But of course that's when I made the mistake to look at her. I closed my eyes before my head slowly turned towards her like a magnet. When I slowly opened them, I locked my eyes with her crystalic, blue ones. I had never seen her so scared. Not even during one of her panic attacks.

My walls immediately started tumbling down again. I couldn't keep them up for her. All I saw was her pleading, hurt and terrified eyes. I wanted to protect her from what was causing these feelings, but I couldn't, because I was the cause. I wanted so bad to hold her and kiss her, and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but again I couldn't, because we both knew that it wasn't.

I needed to walk away from her, for both of our sakes, but I just couldn't. Not only because her tight grip on my wrist, but especially because of that look in her eyes. I couldn't walk away. So I just stood there, limp. I looked into her eyes, and she looked back. She had somehow dug her way inside my walls. She was the only person in the entire world that could smash my walls down. She was the only one who could make me feel like this.

The saying was right: the people you love the most can hurt you the most.

She sat on her knees on the bed, the exact same way she had done the night before when she had kissed me. I didn't know how long we stared into eachother's eyes. It were probably only ten seconds, but for me it felt like hours. I had no awareness of the time that passed. All I could see was her eyes. And then... her lips.

Those lips. Those perfect, pale, pink lips. They were always soft and wet. They always tasted so sweet. Like delicious, fresh fruit. The curves of her upper lip and the small bow of her lower lip immediately made my mouth water. And that tiny little birthmark in the corner of her mouth...

Maybe one more kiss. One goodbye kiss before I would leave. Before I would go back to my room and cry over losing her. But this time I wouldn't be mad at Artie. This time I would only be mad at myself. Mad at myself for ruining everything. Could one last kiss really make it worse?

I watched as her lip trembled and her breathing changed. She could sense it. She could sense that I so badly wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. So she did.

She shot forward and pressed her lips firmly against mine. She pulled me into her by my wrist, and then when I was close enough, she swung her arms around my neck and pulled my face closer against hers. The electric shock that shot through my body with her touch made all my limbs work again. I immediately pulled her body closer to mine as I moved my hand up and down her back. My other hand rested in her neck.

My lips moved against hers so frantically that they already started to feel sore and swollen. I was desperate to use all my five senses on her. I sucked on her upper lip while I caressed her lower lip with my tongue. I tasted her sweet scent through the faint taste of salty eggs, and for a moment I was certain that this was what heaven tasted like if it had a flavor.

I continued moving my hands over her neck, shoulders, upper arms and down her back. Finally I rested them on her tighs and pushed her back, causing her to fall back on the bed. The plate that was on the bed fell on the ground with a sharp bang, soon followed by a loud thud of her cat jumping off the bed. She let out a small gasp, but conceded when I reconnected my lips with hers. I let myself fall on top of her as she pulled me into her. I positioned myself on top of her hips, making sure not to put to much pressure on her.

She started arching her back as she mirrored the movements I was making on her back with my hands. She dug her short nails in my skin and fisted my tanktop, pulling it to my shoulder. I quickly yanked it off my head and across my arms because it was in the way before pulling her lip into my mouth again.

I rocked my hips against hers, letting a small moan escape my lips at the same time she let out another gasp. As soon as my tanktop was off, her hands found my bare breasts. She kneaded them feverishly and I had to disconnect my lips from hers to breath. I whimpered and pressed my hips harder into hers.

I don't think I had ever been that turned on. I had missed everything about her. Everything about this. But this was so different from all the other times we had had sex. This time it was with feelings. Strong feelings. Feelings so strong that I felt like the building arousal between my legs could burst any moment without her even touching me.

It was going too fast. I wanted her to touch me everywhere before I reached my climax too soon. I wanted to touch every inch of her body before we both came. I wanted this to last forever. I knew that if it was over, she would go back to Artie and I would go back to blaming myself for losing her. Hell, I never even had her.

I sighed desperately as I wiggled my hands under her shirt and pulled it over her head. When I was met with her bare chest I leaned down to kiss her lips once more before moving my lips over her jawline towards her ear. She let out a pitched sigh when I sucked on her earlobe before moving down her neck and pinched her nipples between my fingers.

She arched her body again and buckled her hips into mine at the same time. She let out a frustrated groan and forcefully pushed me off of her. I gasped in surprise as she changed our positions. She rolled herself on top of me so it was easier for her to grind her hips into mine. She moaned desperately as I continued kissing her neck and caressing her breasts.

She moved her hands down my breasts over my tensing stomach. I shivered against her neck when she reached the waistband of my pajama shorts. She hooked her fingers in and pulled them down in a quick movement, taking my panties down with them, leaving me naked and exposed under her touch.

She moved her head down to reach my lips again. She reconnected them while her hand moved around my pelvis. I tried to rock my hips into her hand, but she didn't accede. I moaned desperately into her mouth and released her breasts from my firm grip. I moved my hands down and swiftly pulled her pajama pants and panties down aswell.

I could feel the heat radiating from between our legs as our bare hips met and grinded against eachother's. I wrapped my fingers around her wrist that was still wandering around my pelvis to guide it down to where I needed her the most. I could feel her smile against my lips. I was so desperate for her touch that I buckled my hips against her hand before it could meet my center.

As soon as it did, I let out a high pitched moan and immediately mirrored her actions. I pressed my palm against her pelvis and moved down to cup it over her center. Her body shook uncontrollably as I started making small circles over her most sensative spot. She mirrored my movements by making quick, floppy circles.

We were moaning and breathing into eachother's mouths at that point, unable to keep our lips connected without gasping for breaths. Her whole body was shaking, and I held her tight against my body with my free arm. She let out a small cry of pleasure when I once slid two fingers through her smooth folds. I couldn't believe how wet she was. I was certain that I was just as wet. I repeated my movement, and again she cried out, cluthing herself to my body.

"San," She breathed desperately, "Please." She pleaded as she buckled her hips against my hand. She slid her own fingers through my folds, sending shivers all through my body. I let out a full mouthed moan as I felt her pushing her fingers inside me. I did the same, and pushed two of my fingers into her as far as they could go. I could immediately feel her clench around my fingers while she cried out in ecstasy.

I was so close. I didn't think I had ever felt this way before. Just the sounds escaping her mouth could make me fall over the edge. I clutched my arm around her more tightly as I started thrusting my fingers in and out of her forcefully until I could feel her whole body tense.

Her fingers curled inside of me, causing a deep sting to shoot through my spinal cord. I grinded my hips into hers, bringing both my own and her fingers deeper inside of our bodies. She was clenching down on my fingers even harder, and her high pitched scream indicated her climax. That scream sent me tumbling over the edge aswell, and I could feel my own walls clench around her fingers.

I continued thrusting in and out of her in an even pace, rocking my hips as she clenched her own, curled fingers inside of me. I kept rocking until I could feel my climax disappear and her body went limp. I pulled out my fingers as she did the same. She lay on top of me motionlessly, her face burried in my hair. I could feel her breath against my neck while our bodies heaved up and down, desperate for air.

Her whole body was limp, except for the arm that was tightly holding my body against hers. I didn't want her to let go. I never wanted her to let go, but I knew she would. And when she did, it would all be over. She would go back to Artie, and I would go back to hating myself.

But I wasn't giving up. I loved her too much to give up on her. I was going to fight for her. It wasn't a fight I had to have with Artie. It was a fight that I had to have with myself. I needed to accept my love for her. I needed to accept that I was in love with a girl. That I was a lesbian. Then I could stop myself from pushing her away and hurting her. I wasn't going to be heartbroken again, and I definitely wasn't going to break hers.

I wasn't going to give up. Santana Lopez didn't give up.

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><p><em>Thank you for reading!<em>

_I hope you leave a review to let me know what you think. Reviews always put a smile on my face._


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